


had we but world enough, and time

by onArete



Category: TAZ - Fandom, The Adventure Zone (Podcast), The Adventure Zone: Balance - Fandom
Genre: M/M, Modern AU, TW FOR TALKING (non-graphic) about suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-07-03 13:55:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15820239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onArete/pseuds/onArete
Summary: A Friday night reveals many things to many people.





	had we but world enough, and time

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from the poem "His Coy Mistress" by Andrew Marvell.

Oh, I know exactly when I’m gonna die,” says Taako with a confidence the situation doesn’t deserve. “February 4th to the 11th. Worst week of my life, so it’d fit the theme.”

They’re sitting on a fake rock, Kravitz and Taako and a few of their friends. All piled up on the kids’ playground toy, sky dark above them.

"And you’d better come to my fuckin’ funeral,” he continues.

“Bold of you to assume you’re dying first,” jokes Merle.

“Yeah,” agrees Kravitz. “I don’t want to be here without you guys.”

And, oh sweet god, what is he saying? That’s way too much. Waaaay too much.

Thankfully, Merle keeps talking. “Plus I’m expecting wildly conflicting eulogies from you.”

"I could write a letter,” Taako says quietly.

\------- 

They’re sitting at a shitty old diner earlier that evening-- Kravitz and Taako and Merle and Magnus, seniors all. One week into the last year of public school they’ll ever take. Spending Friday night with the last people whose company he thought he’d have ever enjoyed.

But something about the group feels so, so right, dipping fries in shakes and laughing at the people in the drive through and pausing every few minutes to look at the sunset.

"So, we’re all gay here, right?” asks Taako, leaning up against the window.

“Hah, yeah, I’m bi,” Magnus says. “Like, mostly straight, but a little bit gay, and a lottle bit bi.”

Kravitz hadn’t known, but honestly couldn’t be fully surprised. He knew Magnus was a liberal, and he’d played D&D with him. It wasn’t too much of a stretch.

Taako points to Merle, and because this is apparently a thing they’re doing now, Merle says, “Pan!”

He’s so excited to say it, too, in a way that makes Kravitz grin. Merle came out last week, and has been reeling ever since, in the kind of way that feels like looking up at the night sky.

Taako points a finger at Kravitz, but quickly reverses it. “I already know yours, kemosabe--”

“I’m demi,” he says. “Demi homoromantic,” because Magnus didn’t know.

“And ch’boy’s gay,” Taako finishes. “Natch.”

 -------

It’s still just the four of them when they get to the park. Lucas said some bullshit about a family event, and even if it isn’t true, Kravitz is guiltily glad he isn’t there. Being around straight people-- Straight people, with a capital S-- is taxing. And there’s something about the happy gay energy in this group that’s infectious. He can feel himself getting swept up in it, like being high, but a whole lot better.

“This game is called Groundsies,” announces Taako, grinning at them from his seat on a swing. "Basically, whoever’s ‘it’ has their eyes closed. If someone else is touching the ground while the person who’s it yells ‘Groundsies’, then that person is it. Or if a person gets tagged.”

"So, Cherry Bomb?” asks Kravitz, vaguely remembering that game from elementary school.

“Or Groundsies,” Taako shrugs, winking at Kravitz. He desperately hopes he isn’t blushing.

Last one on the playground is it!”

 -------

“Earlier, you guys made it sound like you hate straight people,” worries Magnus from the backseat, pulling out of the diner parking lot. “And I know I’m bi, but I’m, like, mostly straight.”

Taako laughs lightly. “My man, there’s a huge difference between straight people and capital-s-Straight people. Just...”

“Don’t be a douche about it,” suggests Merle.

 -------

They’re racing to the playground, laughter fresh-bubbling, when Lucas arrives. He’s tall and gangly, not quite grown into anything yet. Glasses, limbs, society.

He’s the last one on the playground, and they make him be it. Even with the added person-- it should be more fun, Kravitz thinks, but it’s not-- it feels all that much quieter.

Lucas is straight.

Which, normally, is not an issue.  
Almost everyone Kravitz knows is straight, or at the very least, not out yet (like him, like Magnus).

And Lucas is a Straight.

And suddenly all their jokes-- pictures of Merle and Magnus, sitting squished together on the same swing-- Kravitz, calling Taako “dear” in the tentative way he flirts-- well, they’re gone. Whoosh. Vanished. Down the drain.

Taako and Merle-- out and proud-- don’t need to be told to keep quiet about it. The tense fear in the air is enough for them to know. 

(There’s a feeling, that everybody who has ever held a secret knows. A mutual sense of “Please, don’t tell them, please,” a terrifying beg that depends solely on the secret holder. It’s a day in the life when you’re closeted. And even though his aunts are lesbians, even though his neighbor is nonbinary, Kravitz is so, so afraid.)

The camaraderie changes when Lucas arrives. It’s still there, of course, but not nearly as deep-rooted. They do not share a life-threatening secret with him. He does not understand the need to stay hidden. He does not want to understand.

 -------

“I saw this yearbook quote,” laughs Lucas, sitting on that fake rock, all of them worn out of running and jumping and climbing. “It’s like, uh, ‘If every gender was a piece of bread, I could make exactly one sandwich’. Isn’t that great?!”

“Haha, yeah,” Kravitz says, more to be polite than anything. His back is leaning up against Merle’s leg, and he can feel the other boy stiffen.

Thankfully, Magnus starts talking to Lucas, loud enough that Kravitz would wonder if it were intentional if he knew it wasn’t.

He leans over to Merle, desperate to say something, anything. “If there’s only two pieces of bread,” he mutters, “I don’t really want to know what other kinds of food you’ve been going at it with.”

And, thank god, it was the right thing to say, because although Merle doesn’t relax, he doesn’t keep winding up. Rather, he winks, and says, “Plants are food, right?”

“Grosseroni!” shouts Taako, perched behind Kravitz, one leg over his lap. “We already got into Magnus’s foot fetish today, I did not need to know--”

“I don’t have a foot fetish!” Magnus protests feebly.

“What?” asks Lucas, and Kravitz begins to explain the inside joke with a sigh.

 -------

Magnus gets a ride home with Lucas because they live nearby.

Kravitz pities him for a split second, before realizing that he is going to have to drive, in the dark, and there’s a white car circling the church parking lot their car is in.

“Uh, let’s hurry,” he suggests, and they wait on the edge of the playground behind the swings until the car is on the far reach of it’s orbit. “I don’t know how to punch people.”

“I was champion of hand-to-hand combat at the navy camp,” says Merle as they run to the car, Kravitz slamming the open button with his thumb. “I’ll dislocate their kneecaps.”

They pile in, and the doors lock in unison.

“Phew,” he says, starting the ignition, and watches out the rearview mirror as the car parks across the lot.

Kravitz pulls out before the car can unload, though, and if he’s breaking the speed limit a little, so what? It’s Friday night, he only has a tentative curfew, and the cutest boy he’s ever seen is sitting shotgun.

Holy shit.

\-----

Somehow the mood Lucas brought with him to the playground has permeated the car, mingling among the smell of cold fries and Taako’s perfume.

Maybe it’s the night outside, or the old lights on Kravitz’s old car that aren’t quite as bright as all the others, but there’s a darkness to the drive.

And it turns into Gay Therapy Session, Merle and Taako and Kravitz going in a circle.

Merle has depression. He knows, his parents know. He’s not medicated because that could hurt his chances of getting into the Naval Academy.

Kravitz has anxiety, and probably a good heaping pile of depression in there, too. He knows, his parents don’t. He lies about his anxiety attacks, says he’s just tired. (He’s too much of a coward to face the way his mother yells, the way his father scolds, the way his six little siblings have to sit and watch. He’ll handle it until college, and then he can pay for his own fucking medication and try and fix it.)

Taako touches briefly on depression, panic attacks. The lighthearted way he tells them makes Kravitz ache, makes him want to pull over and reassure Taako over and over again that he is loved.

 -------

Sure, Kravitz went out of his way to drop Merle off first. And yeah, it would’ve made sense to drop him off last, but what can he say? Any alone time he gets with Taako-- Taako, the first person to say hi (actually, he said “Hey thug what’s your name, I’m about to blow your fucking mind” in their orchestra class one morning. Is it embarrassing that Kravitz still remembers? Probably.) to him in his new school-- is a wonderful gift.

But Taako _actually_ starts talking once Merle is dropped off.

Kravitz sits quietly and listens, drives down the dark roads, through the suburbs when a burst water pipe has closed access.

Once or twice, he puts a hand on Taako’s, but always removes it to make a turn.

And Taako talks.

“Lup tried to kill herself last year,” he says, looking out the window and not at Kravitz. “And then twice this summer. And I mean, natch I’ve been thinking about it, but I didn’t want to, because I didn’t want to show my lil’ bro, Ango, that it’s okay, y’know?

“But then Lup did, so he already knows what it is, and nothing I do anymore’s gonna make him forget that.”

“I-- I’m so sorry--”

“And Lup’s been seeing some therapist, what’s-’er-name, Raven something--” oh shit, that’s his _aunt_ \-- “And we think that’s helping, but...”

He trails off. They sit in silence for a moment. Kravitz turns on the blinker.

“But with Lup in therapy, money’s tight right now, y’know? And I was gonna, y’know, kill myself last summer--”

Holyfuckingshit _**what**_.

But-- but--

"But I was working, and helping support the fam, and, yeah I’m doing it for Lulu? But we’re focused on helping her right now, and so I’m in therapy, but we can’t afford the medications. Raven recommended somethin’... somethin’ for anxiety, that I guess helps with the depression too, I don’t fuckin’ know, but we’re still savin’ up for that.”

“I-- Taako--”

“And so I figured once school started’d be a good time, y’know? But then Humanities started--”

The one class they share, the one they both love so much--

“And I wanna finish that. But besides that... well, I don’t fuckin’ know, but... I’m just kinda done with it.”

Silence, and Kravitz hates himself for it, but what do you _say_?

“I wasn’t jokin’ about February, y’know, earlier. Uh, a few years ago, my, uh, boyfriend, Sazed, killed himself on the 4th. And when I was a kid, my aunt, uh, died from cancer on the 11th. And my grandpa died on the 8th. It’s a real week for deaths, y’know?”

“Taako--”

“So, I figure if I’m gonna off myself, that’s a pretty good time for it, yeah? It’s already a bad week, it can’t get worse--”

They’re at Taako’s house, pulled up in the cracked, narrow driveway. Kravitz turns the car off. The whine of the air conditioner fades out with a shudder.

"Everyone always says stupid shit about how things get better,” Taako shrugs, making no move to get out of the car. “And honestly, I’m fine, I’m at peace with it, all that shit. Kravitz...” and now he turns to look at him, eyes wide, clear. “I’m so excited to be able to sleep without panicking. To feel like I can breathe. To be happy.”

Kravitz takes a deep shuddering breath.

What do you _**say**_?

“I don’t wanna be the person saying... stupid shit,” he says quietly, and Taako laughs a little. “But, dear, it’s... you’ve got the whole world ahead of you. You can’t be replaced. You- you’re _Taako_ \-- and you’re talented and brilliant and funny and sweet and sarcastic and wholly _you_. It sounds shitty, but the world needs you in it. And, and you deserve the world-- you deserve every good thing it has to offer.”

Taako unbuckles his seatbelt, and Kravitz copies him almost without thinking. Taako hugs him close, head over shoulder.

(Kravitz is crying now, and he’s sure it’s ruining his mascara, but how can he even think about that when Taako-- Taako--)

 -------

“I thought I’d tell you now,” Taako murmurs. “Better forewarned, or some shit like that. But, babe, please don’t cry. You’re amazing. You deserve so much in this world. You’re kind and loving and compassionate. You’re going to have a wonderful, wonderful life.”

"And I want you to be part of it,” Kravitz says, wiping at tears.

"I will be,” he says, and how is he so _calm_? “As long as you don’t forget me, I’ll live forever."

 -------

“No,” Kravitz says. “There’s so much I want to do with you. We’re going to the desert for senior trip-- and there’s this enchilada place, that makes stuff so spicy I can’t eat it. You’d love it. And there’s a climb you can do up to a plateau, and watch the stars, and, and, Taako-- I want to do all of these things with you.”

Kravitz can feel Taako smiling as he speaks, both of them still pressed together, as though letting go now were to be letting go forever. “I love the stars,” he says. “They’re just watching the world begin, right now, and someday billions of years from now, they’ll see us. Y’know, I think when we die, we go up there with them.”

 -------

They’re quiet for a very long time.  
Kravitz pulls back, stares at Taako, this boy he knows and loves so well.

“This... is kinda off topic,” he says.

Taako smiles at him, wipes at the mascara Kravitz can’t see but is sure is all over his cheeks. “Go for it, babe.”

(How is he so fucking **calm**?)

But just... say it.

Fucking _say_ it.

Kravitz’s been wanting to say it for so fucking long and now he’s here and Taako is planning to kill himself and he’s crying and, and he can’t even say it--

“Can I kiss you?” he blurts.

Taako blinks like he’s surprised, but smiles gently. “Sure. Y’know, you were the one who made me realize for sure I was gay.”

"Wait, what?”

“Yeah, you’re too cute for your own good.”

How is it even _fair_ that they’re having this conversation when Taako-- when Taako is--

“I’ve never kissed anyone before,” he says.

“I’m flattered,” Taako replies, and he is smiling softly, sitting there in the passenger seat. “I’m ready whenever you are, babe.”

He’s never looked more beautiful.

Kravitz has never wanted to cry

more.  
Just do it, he urges himself, just kiss him now because if he dies you know you’re going to regret it for the rest of your fucking life, your life that you’ll have to live without him and--

“It’s okay if you don’t want to right now,” he says gently. “The offer still stands.”

 -------

“But, what if, what if you--”

“Kill myself?” He shrugs.

“Nothing’s set in stone yet.”

“I want to take that fucking stone and crush it,” says Kravitz, a little surprised at his own vehemence.

He’d do anything.

Of course he would.

Taako just smiles again, leans forward. And kisses Kravitz on the cheek, soft and warm in a way he knows he’ll never forget.

And he doesn’t know how to say goodbye as Taako opens the car door, and steps out into the night.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was a massive self-projection for me in an attempt to work my way through what happened. Yes, everything that happened in fiction did happen-- but now it's been projected onto some of our favorite boys. 
> 
> \-------------
> 
> There might be an epilogue to this. I suppose we'll have to wait for February. 
> 
> \-----------
> 
> Thank you for reading.


End file.
